I'm calling out to the moms who read this. I need a little feedback. Here's the situation: My oldest is going to prom on Saturday night. (I know, I know, how did he get to be this old? We won't go there.) It may seem mean, but I tried to talk him out of going. First of all, he has no money and proms are expensive. Then, I asked him how many times he danced at the winter dance that he went to. None. Why pay money to go to a dance if you're just going to sit there? He convinced me to let him go, he had already asked his friend. Fine, but you have to pay me back when you get paid this summer. He agreed.
Well, we found out on Monday that through a series of unfortunate events, he and his date do not have a group to go with. Now, we have a rule that our kids are not allowed to single date. We prefer group dates, but a double date is ok occasionally. This hasn't been a big deal, yet, because Adam just turned 16 in December and has only been on one other date. (A double date to the winter dance.) Now, we're faced with this dilemma. Adam's date, who is just a good friend, has already bought her dress and really wants to go to the dance. I talked with her and her mom and we decided that they would just go to the dance, no dinner or all-day activity. (Really, when did prom become a whole day thing? Sorry, showing my age again. I'm from the time when you went to dinner, then the dance, danced all night, then, maybe, you went to someone's house and watched a movie on the VCR.) This girl, who is a sweet girl, called me today to find out what they are going to do. I told her that we had already decided that they were only going to the dance. "Well, then you need to call my mom and tell her that, because she thinks we're going to dinner." What? I told her that she can tell her mom that-again- Adam isn't allowed to single date and they are only going to the dance.
Here's my question- Am I being unresonable? It's really not that I think they'll do anything inappropriate, I really don't think that will happen. It's the principle of the thing. Adam is the oldest and if we let him break the rules, it will set a precedent. And, it isn't Adam who wants it so badly, he's really only going because this girl is his friend and he knows she wants to go. I'm not backing down, no matter what games she tries to play, ('you need to call my mom'-whatever!), I just want to know if others think I'm doing the right thing. Let me know.
#332
6 years ago
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9 comments:
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but maybe a compromise - offer to have her over for dinner before the dance, or something along those lines. Then it isn't like they are going alone somewhere, just to your house (where you can keep an eye on them, and still say that they didn't break the rules.)
I'd be happy to be their "waitress" at our house or somewhere/one else could. we did that a lot in HS...it was always a group date but we had dinner at someone's home and the Mom and Dad served us. I'm game if you want to try that compromise -- OR even have some other couple -- even if not going to the Prom eat with them at a home. I don't know -- seems they could find SOMEONE to go to the prom with??
After that is all said -- if all of that fails -- stick to your guns -- it'll be worth it in the long run. (at least that's my memory from HS:))
Sometimes I just hate being the parent of teenagers! Were we ever this hard to deal with? Zack is going to the prom too. He is going with a group and they are eating at one of the kids houses...everyone is bringing something, it's a potluck. Afterwards they are going to one of the boys houses (I know the parents..good people) and having chocolate fondue and then going to another girls house where her mother will be and they are watching a movie. It's so hard to let go and trust them.....I think you are doing the right thing to stick to your guns. Sometimes being the oldest is hard...I always tell Zack that I know he didn't ask for it (or maybe he did) but he's an example to the rest and he needs to follow the rules even if he doesn't agree with them.
You hit the nail on the head when you said he'd be setting a precedent. We found ourselves faced with a similar situation. Rule - No dating before 16 and that includes group dating. Nik was invited by a group last year to go to a movie. Girls and boys would be there, including a girl that Nik liked at the time. They weren't calling it a date, but it felt like a group hangout (aka date). We had a hard time knowing what to do. In the end we were the only parents that said no and Nik didn't go. He was really mad, but got over it.
You would definitely be setting a precedent. It's tough being a parent and having to tell your child no. Have him ask around at school and see if there is a group that he can get into. Cody's group is having dinner at one of the guys houses. So it will be reasonable. Cody couldn't get ahold of the person that formed the group. But he did give Adam the number. Hopefully something will pan out. I can understand how heart breaking it will be for Lindsey if she can't go. But it's more important to live by our values.
I think dinner at your house (or Megan's) is a great idea. And/or maybe they could come to your house after to have dessert. I know that's a lot of work though. Good Luck!
Michelle
You are being a great mom! If they think you are being unreasonable then you could offer to double with them :-)
I have read your post too late to make my 'advice' valuable - but am offering my whole-hearted support! You are doing the right thing - stand firm and strong. I don't think you will ever regret setting this precedence for him and your other children and someday he will thank you for it (may be another 15 years but it will happen!). I like the idea about having dinner at your house (despite the inconvenience to you!) or he can find a group to hook up with. Such teenage angst and woes - so glad to be done with it for myself and not looking forward to it with my own kids!
pleeeeeeeease mum move out of the 1940's
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